I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
