the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
