I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
