its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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