I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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