i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
