He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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