Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
