I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
