Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
