she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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