When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You took a bar mat shot.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
