i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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