you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
