when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
