Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
