If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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