Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
