I'm so fucking centered right now
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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