Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
