I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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