I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
