The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
