Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
