i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
