we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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