I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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