Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Randomize
