your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
