I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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