Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
