Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
