his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
