Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
