Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
