don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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