they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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