someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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