So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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