she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
try to milk me bitch
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
