I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
