he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
