Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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