I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
