I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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