I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
