i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
