Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
