god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
