What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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