I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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