Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
