A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Randomize
